I'm terrible at this blogging stuff, aren't I? :)

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged!!

Well, for those of you playing the home game... here's a rundown of how it's all going.

Fabulous. Really. Just fabulous. I'm down about 115 lbs now. One of the reasons that I haven't blogged is that I'm ALWAYS on the go. I never stop until my head hits the pillow!! I have never felt so ALIVE in my life. I can run, play, jump, and have energy beyond my wildest imagination. I'm wearing around a size 12/14 now, and even then those get a little baggy. It's nice to be wearing smaller sizes, but a pain in the butt to have to buy new things every week. :)

I'm now a lower BMI than my husband. :) I know that sounds silly, but I am just ecstatic that I am "smaller" than him. I wear his jeans that are too long for him now (my inseam is a 30, his is a 28, but 28's were tough to find, but now we know where to look so I inherited a nice stash of Levis. LEVIS. YUP. I haven't worn Levis for years and they feel like butter on my skin compared to some of the plus size options I had before.

My BMI, when I started, was classified as "Morbidly Obese". I have since passed up the "Grossly Obese" and "Obese" category.  I can honestly say, it feels really good to be "Overweight" with my current BMI of 27.2. I am merely 2 points away from being "Normal".... isn't that nuts? All this since May 27th... I have NO regrets!!!

This road hasn't come easy. I follow the rules as much as possible. Sure, I miss a day here and there taking my vitamins (which I need to be better about) don't always get my target protein in (which I also need to be better about) and sometimes I eat too much or something not so awesome for me, and my pouch protests. I am human and every time I fail, I learn from my mistake, I brush myself off, and get right back up again. It's a good reminder.

I've also had a side effects that isn't so awesome, but 100% "dealable" (totally a word, by the way...) My hair is falling out. This is very common for gastric bypass patients and it is temporary. It was really shocking to me because as someone else so eloquently put it, when I was overweight, one of the only features of mine that I actually LIKED was my hair. And I've lost a ton of hair before  -- postpartum and medical related, but it was NOTHING like this. Nothing at all. Fortunately, I've got super thick hair, which made it a little better, but when I started seeing balding spots, I got nervous.

SO, I decided to make the best of it. I got a short and funky cut. I figured, new body, new do. I've avoided short cuts for a long time, since my face was so round and my neck was fat. I thought I would look like a mushroom head/moon man. Well, I did it, and I think it looks cute. :) If anything it makes me look even slimmer. Something different! It feels better already. I'm hoping I'm scooping less hair up now and when the follicles decide to make their healthy appearance they will blend in nicely with their surroundings! :)

So -- that's where I'm at these days. I'm just HAPPY, and I haven't been able to say that for a long time. Sure, life isn't perfect, it can always be better, but I look at how awesome the world is around me, and I can't help but be happy.

Hello Collarbone!

Things are going well. The last couple days have been a little uncomfortable.

My energy levels are really low, but really, I still have no regrets and feel that my recovery has been a great one. I haven't taken even Tylenol the last week or so now. I just get REALLY tired. I tend to overdo it too much and need to learn how to take it easy. Very hard for me with the kids... I hate to make them sit around the house bored. They are awesome though. They try hard not to complain, but they are kids... I have to keep that in check because it's easy for me to lose my temper and snap when I'm frustrated and not feeling well.

I'm nearly 40lbs (38.2) down right now and very pleased with that. My knees and ankles feel awesome. My hips still hurt a little, but that's more because of the awkward way I have to sleep. While I don't really see the difference in the mirror, my husband says that he can see it. My kids say they see it. My clothes are loose. It must be happening! I wonder if I will ever see myself for what I really am in that mirror?

I started on solid foods last week and I'm still apprehensive about eating, plus it's hard to take in the amount of protein that I need to take in when I'm never hungry. I'm sure that this it normal and that eventually things are going to balance themselves out. Just hard to get it all in with these mini portions. All in due time. :)

Just as I was writing this I yawned and put my hands up to my throat. I could feel my collarbones. At least I think that's what it's called.  Clavicles?  I'm pretty sure the terms can be interchanged from what the Internets just told me. I don't think I've ever felt my collarbone before, if that makes any sense. It feels quite nice!

Quick update...

Ok, so I know I fail on my count down... just got a little more crazy than expected those last couple days.

Surgery went well and I am home now. Will post more about that later. I'm feeling quite well. :)

5 ALIVE!

First  -- just a thanks to everyone who has emailed/commented/been in touch. I am so touched that you're all taking this journey with me. I really appreciate the love and concern you are all showing. Keep it up -- I intend to come back here and read these comments and use them as motivation and encouragement, not only for myself, but others who may stumble across this little corner of cyberspace. If it can help them, too, then keep it up!! :)

Second -- I know I'm still playing catchup from the weekend. I got to spend some time with my dear friends Beth and Fred this weekend and also with my AWESOME mom. AND my cousin Sue (who's always been more like an Aunt to me and runs her own bakery (House of Cakes -- check her out. She's AMAZING!!) made me CUPCAKES so I could enjoy one of my last favorite indulgences before Thursday. Red Velvet with Butter Cream and Yellow with Butter Cream. SOOOO GOOD.

I am really and truly blessed to have such amazing people in my life. Much love... much love.  They always come first... even more than my blog updates! :)

So that brings me to #5....

5. Shop in the Non-Plus size store/section

I LOVE clothing. I'm addicted to it. I dress pretty dang snazzy for a woman of size sometimes, too.  I've worked very hard over the years to create wardrobe of clothes that fit me well, fashionably timeless, and well made. I'm really quite good at it because NO ONE can believe what my actual weight is when I tell them. BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO DRESS!!! :)

That being said. It's a LOT of effing work!!! And it's realllly expensive, because as most of us who have ever had to buy these clothes realize -- the majority are UGLY as sin. It's really gotten a LOT better, it has, but it comes at a high price. So you either get the hideous floral print shirt that hangs and clings in all the wrong places for $15 or you shell out $50 for a top at Lane Bryant (I'm almost sad that I'm breaking up with you LB... I really am, but I think you will be replaced with New York and Co.)  that actually makes you look like something decent and NOT a parade float in the rose bowl.  I am NOT kidding.

I want to be able to go into a store and pick out something and have it FIT. I want it to look right. I realize that this is not a great expectation, but to be able to go into a normal store and pick out something would be dynamite.

It's been YEARS since I've been able to buy something without a stupid W next to the size. I stand in the Sears WOMEN'S section (all three racks of proportioned jeans of it) and look longingly at the super cute dress hanging across the way. For $30 cheaper than the craptastic thing I'm about to check out with. And don't even get me started on when I was looking for maternity clothes.  I must be doing ok though, everyone keeps saying "After your operation, I want your clothes" which is really one of the most flattering things anyone could say to me.

Yes... it really has gotten better in the last few years. And I have amassed a small fortunes worth of very nice clothing, but I SO can't wait to sell it and stock up on gift cards (so I can get my FUEL PERKS... Mama didn't raise no fool!)  and redo my wardrobe.

And if not.. there's always Gabe's! :)

My 6 Pack!

Yeah... I missed another update yesterday. Sorry... that life thing again! :)

I love getting mail, don't you?  FedEx delivered a package in the mail of 15 Protein Powder samples from http://www.vitalady.com/. I feel like a kid at Christmas!! She also sent a big packet with tips/tricks on using the powders, recipes, and a pretty purple rose.  I thought that was super sweet!! :)

I also got three free samples from http://www.rayandterry.com/ who also sent me an email wishing me luck on my surgery and a coupon code for free shipping and 10% off my order. I was really impressed with their website and they were super responsive when I emailed them my initial inquiry for samples.

It's nice to see good businesses out there in this world.

So .. my number 6...

6.  Be smaller than my husband.

I know, that sounds weird. But I've always been the heavyweight. My husband couldn't ... give me a piggy back ride at Kennywood, or sweep me off my feet, or carry me over the threshold. Well, I'm sure he could, but the chiropractic bills would NOT be worth the strain. Really. And I don't even expect him to now, but FOR me it would be nice to be smaller than him. To be able to toss on one of his t-shirts to feel close to him. For him to be able to wrap his arms around my entire circumference without me feeling like a grape in the Welch's factory. Just to comfortably sit on his lap. It's very sad to be so much bigger than your mate.

And then there's the obvious - sorry if this is TMI, but it IS life. Josh and I have NEVER been lacking in the romance department. This is as good as it gets... but whoa... what you say? It could be BETTER? No way. How could I possibly not be motivated by that?!?!

Because he loves me so much no matter WHAT I look like, I almost feel like he deserves better. He deserves to have a hottie wife. I'm already awesome, but I want to be that knockout in the sexy black knee high boots and mini skirt that he rightfully deserves.  I know he doesn't feel that way, but that's the whole reason I want to be that wife for him.

So yeah.. that's it.. maybe someday I'll have that 6 pack and it won't be Guinness for once! :)

Lucky Number #7

I've received some negative emails in the last couple days. Perhaps the sender had good intentions, but the approach the individual took in their attempt at dissuading me disappointed me. I was pretty upset at first and vented to my wonderful friends Beth and Mel about it. Beth and Mel are two of the most honest and forthcoming people I have ever known, so I knew they would be straight shooters and tell me if I was out of line in my seething rage. I wasn't. Both of them understand how consuming this has been for me and confirmed that my feelings were in the right.

Beth had some really fantastic statements for me to use, but I think they are extremely powerful. ANYONE can apply this to the multiple aspects of their life.

"I am in control of MY OWN life. I am LIVING my life. I do not need anyone's approval to do so."

and

"I cannot control what they say, only how I react to it."

Amazing stuff there, folks. Simple perspective that we often forget is that we can't control others, but we can totally control our reactions.  I am super passionate. I act instinctively and impulsively. This is a good thing and a bad thing at time -- but it's entirely WHY I am in the situation I am in with my weight. This advice is twofold for me -- not just in relation to the negativity, but to my own problems with FOOD.

Bam, just like that.

Am I not one of the luckiest girls alive to have friends that allow me to vent and put things into perspective like that? I am so very fortunate.

So, I am not going to let the negativity of others impede me. Instead, it will ignite me and set me on FIRE. I will remember these things and I will allow it to motivate me to reach my goals and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I know what I'm doing and I'm ready for this and that I WILL be successful.

I really think that negative email might have been a truly good thing. I had been feeling a little down/depressed/worried about things, but OH SNAP... I'm so outta that funk now. Bring it on baby. BRING IT ON!

And as for #7....

7. Run.

I know, I know. At this point in time the only things that might potentially make me run are someone with a gun pointed at me or my loved ones or a sign that says "Free Chocolate Cake" -- even those are not guarantees, but I'd definitely walk briskly...

So yeah.. running. It's so free. It's so liberating. It's a great rush and awesome exercise. I have a goal to run again one day. Heck -- I even have a goal to run in a 1/2 marathon and maybe even some day a marathon. I loved putting on my WALKMAN (yes, it's been that long) and just going to town and running. While that's YEARS down the road, just being able to go with my daughter (who LOVES to run) and make it one lap around the track would be a WONDERFUL goal to me.  To be able to chase my kids again... phenomenal.  To be able to potentially escape danger if someone attacked me by being able to run away... empowering.

So when you see me running down Broadway Avenue in a year or so, don't be offended if I don't wave back. I'm in my brand spakin' new runners world and I probably didn't hear you beep over this newfangled invention ... the iPod.

8 Is Enough!

I truly did start this yesterday and life got in the way. Imagine that? So you're lucky enough to get a DOUBLE DOSE today.

So ... good people of the internets (all 11 of you that follow this, I guess? :) Oh .. wait. 10. I follow me, too.) here is Entry #8 on the countdown...

8. Ride Roller Coasters

Oh yes. You read that right.

I used to be a card carrying member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE). I've ridden over 200 unique coasters and have traveled all over to different amusement parks just to ride these amazing contraptions. Riding a coaster makes me feel FREE. Well, it used to.

Sad story -- a few years back, my ex boyfriend (Brian, who is still a very treasured and trusted friend) and I went to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg on a whim for their opening day. I was SO excited to go. We drove down and were the first couple of people in line to enter the park, and after traipsing around the park and meeting up with some friends who were local to the area, we all stood in line for the newest ride -- Apollo's Chariot. I remember standing in line, laughing about how at the opening Fabio was hit in the face with a bird.

When it was our chance to board, I didn't fit in the cars. Was this some sort of strange karma backlash for making fun of Fabio? I was DEVASTATED and EMBARRASSED and had to leave the ride. Really. It was one of the worst moments of my life and depressed me greatly.  I was able to ride the other coasters, but that single moment in time NEVER left me. Even the last couple times that I went to Kennywood or other parks, I would get a lump in my throat, worried I wouldn't fit and would have to go through that horrible embarrassment again.

The final nail in the coffin was when my daughter wanted me to ride with her on a ride and I couldn't fit. I couldn't even take my kid on a ride. My embarrassment mixed with her disappointed little face... I felt like a total failure.

I've since stopped going to theme parks. I hate it. I miss going so badly, but I know that the size I am now wouldn't make it on the ride at all and it would just be TORTURE for me to even try to just go an not ride. Plus a colossal waste of money and time. And I would have to walk all over the place. In the heat. And that's really just not fun for a fat person either.

So, I'm REALLY hoping that I lose enough over this spring and summer that I can make a late summer trip to Cedar Point and Kennywood.

And someday, I'm going back to Busch Gardens and I'm TOTALLY going to ride Apollo's Chariot. Even if I do take a bird to the face.

Nine days and counting.

This morning I made the adventure to Magee and had my pre-op physical and my blood drawn. This is the last diagnostic pre-op step for me so for now I get to sit back, twiddle my fingers and wait. Well, you know, in addition to the myriad of other things in my life.


Everything went fine though. The physician, Dr Abrams was very sweet. He was so soft spoken and very gentle. I wish he took regular patients on, as his bedside manner was nothing short of impressive.


The blood work was drawn quickly and efficiently as well. They took 6 tubes of my red stuffs. This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been reading Blood Rites (The Dresden Files, Book 6) by Jim Butler on my Kindle  just before they came in. Ooops. Bad judgement call on the Vampire book, Jennifer. Great book though. I adore this series.


So now, I'm just hoping the rain holds off and my arm isn't sore for my shift at THD tonight!!


Oh yes... and I almost forgot the main reason for posting this!


9) STAIRS


Stairs are my nemesis. Walking up, or down is always an event for me. I hurt in places that I never knew even could hurt like this, plus I feel awkward like I'm going to tip over all the time. I've fallen so many times. I literally have to like brace myself when I go down. Going up is slightly better than down. Anyone who has been to my house knows that I have an ample amount of stairs and the ones outside of my house are all off kilter to top it off. Carrying groceries up and down is ridiculous and coming home from work after a long, physical shift is downright torturous. I always hated at my last job when I had to wait for an elevator because I was too afraid of falling down the stairs of the USX tower and being left in the stairwell for the cockroaches to attack me (this is not an exaggeration!!!)  Again -- this is an everyday thing that most people take for granted, but it's something that's been a tremendous obstacle for me.


I can't wait until I can go up and down those stairs like a CHAMP.


Look Ma! No Hands!!

10 Day Countdown!!

TEN days. Yes. TEN Days!!!  I can't believe its almost here!

Since the world loved a top 10 list, and so do I -- I'm going to do a top 10 of the things I can't wait to be able to do or do differently Post Surgery. I'll post a different one every day leading up to the surgery.

So, without  further ado...

10) Cross my legs.

This may sound crazy, but I can't wait to do this. When I try to cross my legs now, it just doesn't work right. I can't remember EVER being able to cross my legs the normal way and I can't wait to do it. It always looks so elegant and femmie. I KNOW I'm not a femmie girl, but hey I'd still like to try :)

SO there you have it... Leg Crossing. Will try to have something a little more exciting tomorrow, but that right there is a BIG one for me :)

What else has been happening? Well, I went with a wonderful friend and cheerleader who has also gone through the surgery last Friday to pick up my vitamins and minerals that I needed, and also some minor retail therapy at Gabes. I bought some MEDIUM sized clothes to have around as some goal items ;) I so can't wait to be able to wear my $7.99 GOAL dress. It's seriously cute.  While looking good is not my primary goal in this, I can't deny that I'll be happy to have a more positive self image of my body. Not to mention give my awesome husband something more tantalizing to look at  - I already know I'm hot, but I'll be a heck of a lot hotter when the outside wrappings match the inside package!! Right now, it's like putting a Tiffany scarf in a plastic wal-mart bag... ;)

Also, tomrrow have my final physical and a blood test to complete my Pre Op testing. I've never been so excited to get a blood test :P  It's the last obstacle. Then the game can really begin.

Step AWAY from the Google!

It's PERFECTLY normal that less than 2 weeks before the surgery I'm nervous. Right?

And that I'm looking up the HORRIBLE things that could happen to me?

Well.. yeah.. I went there.

BUT.. I turned it all around, too. I looked up the positive things as well. I went to my Online Support group at ObesityHelp.com and read the inspiring stories of people there, as well as other people seeing reassurance that are going through the surgery or just went through it as well.

I'm scared, but I'm also smart enough to know that what I'm doing is right.  My kids are making me feel a little guilty about this. My Daughter is scared that I might die and never come back. I've tried to explain to her that my surgeon is very skilled and that it's a very teeeeeny tiny chance that it might happen, but of course that's enough for her. And really it was enough to give me second thoughts if only for a moment as well. But I need to do this so that I can have a long happy life with her, my son, my husband. The benefits are plentiful. The odds are totally on my side here -- I'm young, active, informed, positive, have awesome strengths and willpower, a huge system of support and despite it all  -- relatively healthy. These are HUGE things in my corner.

I will be successful.

All set!

Well, the date of my surgery is all set. I can hardly believe that all of this comes down to May 27th.  Only 3 weeks away! I have one more round of blood work and a physical that's happening on 5/18. It just seems like it snuck up on me out of the blue.

The last few weeks I've been working at a popular home improvement store. Think orange aprons. I work in the gardening department. Man alive it's been a wake up call as to how out of shape I am, but also as to how resilient and strong my body is. I look forward to seeing how much my body changes and how much of my strength I retain after this.

Being there has also been inspiring for my diet. After watching countless training videos, I decided it was time for us to do something we had been wanting to do for a long time. The kids and I picked out some seeds and a mini greenhouse and planted them together. In a few days we had sprouts! Then, we built a raised bed in our back yard and supplemented the seedlings with a couple of plants we picked up at my work place as well. So now, we have green peppers, jalapenos, strawberries, cucumbers, zucchini, carrots, pumpkins and tomatoes growing out there!  I'm really excited for our crops to come in and look froward to eating something that WE grew together as a family. Really very satisfying!!

We're also looking at some other ways to change our eating. We watched Food, Inc. on PS a few weeks ago and it was a real eye opener for us. We want to support or local farmers more, choose sustainable crops, get back to eating on a more natural and organic level, and when we do have beef or pork we would like to get grass fed. We are going to need to get a deep freezer, but I think next year we will be putting our money down on part of a pig and a cow, and fill our freezer with good cuts that we KNOW the source of.  Of course this will all depend on what *I* am able to eat as well.

Aside from that -- it's been a good time. I'm excited about the surgery, but some anxiety has naturally crept in. I think I would be more concerned if it DIDN'T creep in because then I would feel like I'm looking at this through rose tinted glasses and not realistically. I think a healthy dose of reality is good for anyone in this situation. It's NOT going to be easy. It will NOT be a walk in the park. But I will embrace this with positivity and enthusiasm. The more of that I can harness the better off I will be.

It's been a long time, been a long time....

And here I am!

I successfully completed my 6 month lifestyle program in March. Since then, it's been a whirlwind of activity around me.

First, I met with my surgeon to discuss which surgery I am getting. I stuck with my original choice of RNY Gastric Bypass and that is what I will be getting. The Lap Band just isn't for me. I feel a lot more confident about my success with the RNY and also really hate the idea of a foreign object in my body for the rest of my life.

Second, I had a Psychological Eval with a wonderful woman named Linda. Linda is a counselor for Magee and she ALSO had RNY Gastric Bypass 5 years ago. Speaking with her was reassuring, inspiring and very helpful overall. I'm so happy that I had the time to talk to her. She, in all honesty, has been the best part of the program for me. She helped my confidence so much and understands why this is so important for me.

After that, I had a consultation with my nutritionist who went over what I will and will not be able to eat during my recovery. The first 6-8 weeks are by far the hardest. The first 2-3 weeks or so I will be on nothing but liquids. After a post op appointment, I will be given the go ahead to try soft pureed foods and concentrate on taking in protien either throughs shakes or other means -- greek yogurt, pureed meats, scrambled eggs, or fish. for example. That should be fun.  Especially while trying to keep hydrated. And having a stomach the size of an egg.  I think in all honest, that will be the hardest time, but will also be a huge

After about another 2-3 weeks I will move back into introducing solids into my diet. That's going to be an interesting challenge, too, as meats cannot be too dry, no high fat foods or sugars, and again... the size of an egg. :)

You would think that this would be daunting? Well, I'll admit, it is a HUGE change, but one that I'm eager to take on. I am so ready for it. I am a strong, confident, and determined girl who will face this challenge as a warrior .

After alllll of that, I also had a myriad of diagnostic tests -- chest x ray, EKG, Upper GI -- that I have completed and have been given a tentative surgery date of 5/27!!! It's so close, but so far!!  Everything has been submitted to insurance and we are just awaiting their final approval. So.. lots of positive thoughts, please!

I can only hope that my friends and family will stay strong and supportive around me. I've run into a lot of people who keep telling me that they don't think I need this surgery, they don't agree with it. I know that they love me and care about me and just want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing. Quite honestly, they really have no idea what I weigh - I do tend to carry it well and when people see my true weight do a double take.  It's not about how I look - it's how I feel  (pain in my knees, ankles, hips, back and shoulders that you wouldn't beleive) and what's going on inside (borderline diabetic, high bp, heart issues, sleep apnea, depression) of me that makes me do this. I need to be here for my husband, my kids, my mom, my family, my friends.  I'm doing everything I can to change years and years of damage -- physically and mentally -- that my poor or ill informed choices have done. Thankfully, my doctors, my health reports, my BMI, and with hope my insurance, agree with me.  I'm hoping once they see the results and see how I am happy, healthy, and not in constant pain and discomfort they will agree, too.  In the interim, they only motivate me more -- just to "prove" something, I suppose.

Will update once I get the final OK from insurance and, of course I'm sure anxiety will take it's toll at some point and I'll need to "vent" :)

Until Then...
~J

Month 4!

So .. yeah... I'm slacking, but I'm still doing well. I just had my 4th meeting and have an appointment with my surgeon on 2/8 so we can discuss what surgery I want to have and her thoughts on it as well. After that, I'll meet with a nutritionist, probably have a sleep study done, and get a psychiatric evaluation to make sure that I'm capable of handling the change in my life.

It's been a rough time though. Temptation is so hard for me to overcome. Not to mention my stress levels are through the roof lately. Lots of things happening around me that are out of my control and my coping mechanism is to comfort with food.  While I'm not gaining, I'm still not losing either. I'm trying to regain my focus again and keep things in perspective. I must do this for me, for my family. I need my old life back!!!